The Saddest Story Ever
by Rhiane Raine
Summary: Remus's take on Harry childhood without him in it.


**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter belongs to J.K.R.

**The Saddest Story Ever  
  
By Rhiane Raine **

**The Present- 1996 7/29/96**

A thirty six year old Remus Lupin sat on the back steps of Headquarters in the bright new sunrise of the morning, thinking. He'd been doing a lot of that lately. There were plenty of things to consider, but no solutions to hardly anything.

Remus couldn't remember feeling this tired in a long time. Sirius's death had taken its toll on everyone, especially himself and Harry. The boy was very insecure to begin with, having a large absence of guidance throughout his life. Harry. That's where the thirty-six year old werewolf's thoughts had been specifically located. The boy would be sixteen in two day's time. Lily and James would be so proud of their son, could they see him as he could. The same went for Sirius. If it was possible, Remus had known, even since Harry's birth, that he would be able to live up to all his guardians' expectations. With figures like Sirius and James in your lives there were many demanding images to uphold. So far, Harry was everything they would have wanted; smart, talented, caring, funny, mischievous, and brave. Remus had to admit that Harry seemed to be the perfect blend between his parents.

He may be a man, but Remus had cried many times in the past few years just from being around the boy. Though it made him sad to be reminded of his two deceased best friends, Remus could feel the pride and love he had in Harry, flowing stronger than all the sorrow. Something in Harry gave him the strength to continue on. Though he had no idea how he was still able to continue living after all that had happened. James and Sirius would have said that it was because he had some sort of a mission to live on to fulfill, Lily would have said it was his kind heart, requesting him to do what he could for the boy out of love. Remus considered them both to be the truth.

When Lily and James died, all Remus could think about was who would take care of Harry, with his first three guardians out of the running. The first two (Lily and James) were dead, Sirius had not been worthy to gain custody (considering that everyone thought he was the traitor at the time), and Peter...well Remus wasn't quite sure, to be honest, if he had enough wits to care for a fifteen month year old child. Good thing Sirius "killed" him before he could be considered.

Remus still felt guilty that he had done nothing more to attempt getting custody of Harry. He really had been sad over the death of his friends and the imprisonment of the traitor, but somewhere deep inside he had known that he would not be considered due to the fact that he was a werewolf. That didn't stop Remus from caring and worrying about Harry though... If only he had tried harder.

**The Past- 1985 7/29/85**  
A tired Remus sat on the back step of his small house at the end of a particularly weary day. Once again his boss had not been pleased with his tardiness. The result was Remus picking up a copy of the evening Daily Prophet to search for a new job. He was lucky he had not been evicted from his house yet. Last night had been the fifth full moon since he'd began living at his current residence. The full just had to fall on the night of his twenty-fifth birthday.

As the man sat on his back steps he thought of how things could have been with Harry. In two more days the boy would be five year old and if his memory served him well, Harry would be at that age where he was simply adorable and always into trouble.

Remus sighed as the familiarity of regret washed over him while he longed to be able to take care of the boy. He was torn in between guilt at not being more demanding of his custody and at his never ending effort to convince himself that he did all he could.

He knew that he hadn't actually intended for Harry's childhood to end up the way it was most likely going. No parents and an Aunt and Uncle that hated magic with a passion. It just happened that way. Damn the fact that he was a werewolf. Damn it that he wasn't a big enough person to beg the Ministry to let him take over guardianship of the boy despite being a dangerous creature. It's what Sirius would have done and James...well he would have been the one to give Sirius the idea and then enrage him before he went. Yes, both of them would not have sat on their back steps thinking of Harry while trying to convince themselves that the boy had to live with his heinous aunt and uncle.

His own father never had a chance to see him in person very often. Owls with parchment attached was the they communicated. Petunia would not allow an owl in her house, Remus was sure but muggles had post, didn't they? Letters weren't quite as nice as seeing someone in the flesh but it was better than nothing. It was at the age of five when the werewolf had bitten Remus. At that time it was just his mother, his father and he, although, his mother had been pregnant with his little brother at the time. Seeing as his mother could not work, she had quit her job as a muggle teacher while his father had worked for the apothecary by gathering ingredients that the store needed. Sometimes he was gone for weeks, traveling in search of rare plants that were needed to fill orders. When Remus was bitten, his father's workload had increased tremendously as he had a wife, a five-year-old son with a "special" condition, and an unborn son to fend for. After the baby had been born, Remus's childish thinking had told him that he would be able to see his father more. He had been most upset to find that it only got worse. His mother, after recovering from the labor, was accepting odd jobs here and there to make ends meet. Every night and day Remus spent learning to care for his brother and hoping that today would be the day that his Father would come home to his family with an end to all their worries. It never happened. Life had continued on the way it had been.

When Remus was older and becoming more use to his transformations, he too would take any muggle job that he could get as the wizarding world was very prejudice to a family that held a werewolf. Money had been very tight in their household.

Even though his family never got to spend much time together, they still communicated. The love and support they gave each other became a basic need for Remus. Now, here without it, the twenty-five year old felt cold and hungry for it. He couldn't help but wonder with a pang of guilt if that's the way Harry felt; alone. But Harry would be stronger than Remus was. He had to be. The man didn't think he could stand it if the boy had to endure the desolate hope that he had. To be five years old and wishing to see your father every second was too much to endure. Harry had to made of stronger stuff, being the child of Lily and James. He just had. Remus couldn't bare the thought of five-year-old Harry waiting for someone to come and wisk him away.

**The Past- 1986 7/29/85**

Maybe someday you'll really get to know me Not just from letters read to you. I pray I get the chance To make it up to you. We've got a lot of catching up to do.

Remus Lupin had come to a decision after his annual "sit on the back steps and think about Harry two days before his birthday" tradition. If he couldn't have guardianship of Harry, he would still speak to him. Not in person, mind. Remus didn't think he couldn't handle seeing a James Junior so soon and not break down and cry which would no doubt scare Harry off. No, Remus would write him letters.

That night Remus worked very hard to compose the perfect letter to Harry. When he was finished he was confidant that it contained the correct information and the full extent of his regrets of not being able to be with him as well as promises of getting together in the future.

There was a small smile present on the now twenty-six year old Remus Lupin's face as he mailed the muggle letter to the six-year-old Harry Potter. From that day on, Remus made it a point to write a letter to Harry every holiday of the year as well as anytime that he found himself thinking about the boy. He never got a reply back, but writing the letters seemed to make him feel better. It was a way of making himself feel as if he was trying his hardest to be with Harry. Only time would tell how wrong he was.

**The Present- 1996 7/29/96**

The thirty six year old Remus Lupin shook his head out of remembrance. He had been so stupid then. Of course Petunia and Vernon would not allow Harry to hear from any his parent's old friends. All the letters he had sent to Harry through muggle post had been burned. At least that's what Harry assumed when Remus had asked him about them through owl post last week. Harry's reply had been shocked that Remus had tried to communicate with him before his third year, which only served to make Remus feel guiltier. The teen had written back saying he bullied his Aunt into admitting that yes he had been sent letters from a Remus Lupin and yes she and Vernon had kept them from Harry. In that instant all the guilt that Remus had kept at bay came flooding back. Harry had grown up all alone while he, Remus had the ability to, but did not seek him out. There were so many conflicting emotions rupturing inside the man at the moment. Again, part of him felt he should have tried harder for custody while the practical half argued that it would have done no good.

One thing was for sure. Remus was not going to keep himself from the boy now. He would become whatever Harry wanted. Father, Godfather, Uncle, Brother or friend. He had spent close to fifteen years within his own guilt trap. Now was the day that he would open the door and crumble down any walls that had been constructed between Harry and himself. If not for Harry, then for James, Lily, and Sirius. He would make it up to Harry no matter what.


End file.
